Work In Progress

Hello...

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 09:01:04 -0600

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Highs and Lows

Fri, 6 Jun 2008 07:21:24 -0600

Yesterday at 7:30 am, a roofing crew showed up at our house. Don't worry, we were expecting them. Less than 12 hours later we had a new roof, and all the roofing crap had been cleaned up from the lawn. A few plants are the worse for wear, but I will take it. Watching these guys work was a thing of beauty.

While the roofers were lounging in the shade on their lunch break, Diablo and his friend wanted to play Indiana Jones outside. They came back in a while later, and Millie ran into my office to let me know she was inside and still loved me just as much as she did thirty minutes ago. I reached down absently to pet her, and OH MY GOD THE HORROR!

It seems the roofers had left the gate open, so Millie had herself a little walkabout. Apparently during this jaunt through the neighborhood she encountered a Sasquatch and the Sasquatch used her to wipe his ass!

The dog was covered in reddish brown chunky funk from ears to tail. I really don't even want to dwell on what it might have been.

I dragged her outside and tied her to a tree and three quarters of a bottle of kiwi-citrus clarifying shampoo later she was fairly presentable. I still catch a whiff of something now and then. I don't know if it is actually her or some sort of olfactory post-traumatic stress.

I do hereby apologize for my previous smug remarks to my cat-owning friends when they are talking litter box strategies. Your pets might poop in the house, but at least they don't go out and roll in zombie puke.

Makes You Wonder Sometimes

Sun, 18 May 2008 17:30:40 -0600

Actual conversation here in the living room. Diablo and I are sitting on opposite ends of the room, each engaged in our own particular pursuits.

Diablo: Mom, can you quit making that noise?

Me: I'm making a noise?

Diablo: Yes, every time you breathe you make a noise.

Me: (Thoroughly puzzled) Really?

Diablo: It's a whistling noise, every time you breathe. (He pauses and looks up from his action figures.)

No, wait. Never mind, it was me.

My Garden Is Showing Off

Wed, 14 May 2008 15:49:26 -0600

We are having a very cool, wet spring. Ordinarily by this time things are already wilting from the heat. Poor plants are going to be in for quite a shock when the weather returns to normal.

I should start whispering to the flowers the pride goeth before fall.

This interesting character has been hanging around for a few days.

Quite possibly the cutest, bluest bird ever.

We had a pet turtle for a day, but he turned out to be the ambitious type and left the easy living in the flower garden for the top of the hill. Go figure.

Clearly he doesn't know the good life when it is handed to him on a saucer with some spring salad mix and baby carrots. Good luck and God speed, Spotty. If you change your mind, you know where to find us.

(We know where to find him too, at the top of the hill, under the honeysuckle.)

This Piece of Paper Could Change My Life

Sun, 11 May 2008 06:38:02 -0600

Free promotional mug with movie rental, no endorsement implied.

After reading carefully, I'm off to wash my parts with warm water,

and then enjoy a chilled beverage.

I will not overfill.

Thu, 8 May 2008 10:21:14 -0600

She test drove the Mitsubishi Hypocrite, but settled on this one instead.

I'm betting she's completely unaware of the comic juxtaposition.

I Am Apparently on A Roll of Annoyance

Tue, 6 May 2008 19:20:48 -0600

I was almost recovered from a debilitating allergy attack when our Lawn-tards showed up at 7:30 to cut the grass in the gathering dusk. I will have to wait until morning to go out and survey the full extent of the devastation. In broad daylight they are apt to chop down anything not surrounded by four feet of chain link and yellow caution tape.

I think this calls for a Nafta Sunrise, you know, expired Benadryl and tequila with a twist of lime.

Still Forced to Share the Planet With People Who Annoy Me

Tue, 6 May 2008 10:44:25 -0600

We have a huge park downtown where there is an art festival three or four times a year. We usually try to go, and over the years have bought some really incredible artwork there. The show is really popular and crowded as all hell. I have noticed over the years that the people tend to fall into two groups, those who actually come to look at the art, and those who enjoy walking their dogs in a shoulder to shoulder crowd. For years as I have inched my way through the crowds, I have wondered why on earth anyone would bring a dog to something so crowded. I doubt they are in the habit of coming out to this particular park every weekend, and suddenly found it packed with humanity. No, the park is huge, and if you look past all the artists, there are untold acres of space where people are tossing frisbees and balls for their beloved pets, or biking or jogging with their dog alongside.

I also noticed that there are no ordinary dogs being dragged around the art show. Chocolate labs? Australian Shepherds? Plain old mutts? No, those dogs are the ones on the other side of the park fetching frisbees.These dogs are either so huge that for a moment you think someone is leading a pony through the crowd, or they are so tiny they are in danger of being trampled. The huge dogs always look like they just want to lie down in the shade and have a bowl of water, and the small dogs look as though they would wish someone would please pick them up before they wind up being scraped off a shoe.

The dog owners seem to fall into two categories as well. They are either the ambassador for that particular breed, happy to stand in a central location, impeding the flow of traffic, and extoll its virtues to anyone who wants to chat, or they adopt the attitude that they simply came out to view some art, they had no idea their dog would cause such a stir, but in a weary tone they will tell you the name of the breed, heave a put upon sigh and say yes, you may pet him.

All the dog owners do seem to have one thing in common, though. Not one of them is ever carrying a piece of art they have bought.

And then there was this guy. Sir, go home! And don't come back until you are wearing pants.

Fri, 2 May 2008 07:29:24 -0600

Diablo's school holds an annual carnival as a fundraiser, and strong arms all the parents into manning various cheesy midway games and hand out really crap prizes. The fact that the prizes are crap and the "rides" are lame in no way diminishes the thrill for the kids. At least not for the smaller kids; the fourth graders don't turn out in the numbers the lower grades do. The ones that do are either not that bright, or have to attend to keep an eye on younger siblings. They gravitate toward the dunking booth and any game where you can throw something and "accidentally" hit an adult.

I've just checked the weather map, and there is a nice long line of severe weather plowing through Arkansas. It should get here late this afternoon. It the meantime, there is an advisory for 30 mile an hour wind gusts all day.

Jane, I am just going to apologize now for the sno-cone wrappers and escaped helium balloons that are headed your way.

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 14:30:23 -0600

There are a raft of kids at our synagogue who are turning thirteen this year. We just got our first invitation to the Bat Mitzvah of a pair of delightful twin sisters. If they weren't already adorable, the invitation asks that in lieu of gifts, contributions be made to an orphanage.

I just wonder if the rest of the girls get their invitations and think, "Great. An orphanage. Now if I ask for gifts I am going to look like such a twat."